2004-09-30 - 10:43 p.m.

It didn't come.

I arrived promptly at 4:45pm and waited patiently for the UPS man to ring my doorbell. I double and triple-checked the little UPS slip that stated, "Approximate time of next attempt: Th, After 5:00." Sigh. and still I remain caffeine free. Sad, I know.

Instead I spent this evening sewing up a pair of new blue jeans while watching a French movie called, "The Spanish Apartment." Note that it is rather difficult to sew and read subtitles at the same time - hope the jeans aren't too crooked.

In the middle I received a phonecall from J. He hasn't spoken to me for over a month - the last time we had been planning to meet for my birthday and he had another episode and was unable to come. Since then he hasn't returned my calls, until now.

I am saddened once again to feel his level of self-absorption. We stayed on the phone for 45 minutes while I listened to him talk about himself, about his new girlfriend who dumped him last weekend. About how his life always seems to fail. About how he is so busy. I don't think he even asked how I am doing.

And I believe that he has no perception of this behavior. Again it saddens me. I don't see a means of telling him about it. I don't see how it would help anyone if I did. He would feel obligated to convince me that he is sensitive (and do you believe a man who has to keep reminding you that he is sensitive?).

I think that this bothers me so much because I would very much like to be able to depend on him as a friend. I would like to call him from time to time, and I would like to have him listen to ME. But he seems incapable of this. Unfortunately this, by necessity, relegates our interaction (and my investment) to a much shallower level. I have been slowly coming to this realization over the past several months.