2009-08-18 - 1:36 p.m.

....that horrible pit feeling in your stomach....

ugh. house stuff. Today we've gotten the opportunity to change our mortgage and save several thousand dollars, through a university program that we didn't previously think we were eligible for. The trouble is, we have to go through a company that makes us deal with a broker whom I despise (he's outright lied to us more than once). And it would be more paperwork. And it would mean backing out on our current arrangement which feels very comfortable and settled.

So what do you do? Do you disrupt comfort for several thousand dollars? None of these people care about us, so loyalty to a mortgage broker is kind of a dumb (although she is clearly smarter and better than the jerk we would have to deal with to get the several thousand). But maybe my peace of mind IS worth it. ugh.

I've been feeling very weepy today - I think it's related to not wanting to deal with all of this administrative crap..but then both blighty and coldandgray have really pinpointed what I'm feeling.

Blighty said that there is something special about your first home together. Although K and I shared HIS apartment in Germany, and then we shared MY apartment in New York, our current house is really the first place that has been OURS. We made it a home together, and so it will always be special, and so we will always miss it.

And then ColdandGray added another very special point. This is also Susi's very first home. Her entire life has been in this house, and so when I call up her smiling image in my head, this house fills the surroundings of my mental picture. It's all she's ever known, toddling through the kitchen, the living room, onto the porches, pointing at the birds in the sky. Whenever she has trouble sleeping, I pick her up and walk out onto the top porch. With her little hand clutching my arm, we say good night to the birds, the trees, the houses, the stars, the moon, the clouds....She relaxes and puts her thumb in her mouth, and then goes back down with a smile again. I KNOW that we will create new rituals, but I will miss THAT one.