2004-01-25 - 7:59 p.m.

stir crazy

This is my second entry of today, a sure sign that relocating is truly getting to me. I have spent all of today inside, listening to the radio, playing online, cooking, talking on the phone to people miles and miles and MILES away (some even so far that they are KILOMETERS away), and just basically wasting time.

I will do seemingly anything to avoid working on my impending lectures, which currently feel like impending doom. I sit in front of the screen and I try to put together the slides, only to find that it is the last thing in the world that I want to do. The trouble is, I have no idea what the first thing in the world that I want to do is. I just feel incredibly out of place. And alone. And unattached to this foreign world. I even toyed with the idea of going out and buying a television today...but then I would have to go out. And watch television.

Talked with K on the phone today, and that was also mostly unsatisfying. Sometimes (like today) it bothers me that he completely avoids providing any answers to the questions of Future. For example, he has no concrete plan of when he will move to New York. He consistently avoids providing any answer to this question. It bothered me while I was still in Germany, and created a constant undercurrent of discomfort for me in the last few weeks before I left. This type of discomfort/stress inevitably puts a stress on my physical relationships with people, and that is exactly what happened.

Now that I am here in New York feeling terribly alone, I have even less patience for "no answer" - he did it again this evening - we started discussing The Issue and he promptly changed the subject.

I feel myself on the verge of creating a life without him in it. err, well, given that I am not doing anything but sitting at home, perhaps this isn't entirely true...but I am losing patience with no answers, or rather not even what I feel is a slight attempt to provide even half-baked answers.

I am sure that these feelings are exascerbated by having just moved to an entirely new place, and having left the relative comfort and safety net of my friends in Germany. But it is definitely a point that, especially now that I have typed it out and have a better grasp of what is bothering me, I will surely bring up again in the next few days.

In the meantime, I will return to reading either Stephen Fry's autobiography or a cheap crime novel. Brain tired. Definitely NOT working now, definitely BETTER be working tomorrow....