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2004-11-05 - 11:08 p.m.

apple pancakes and I129F

Tonight I managed to fix up the most disgusting batch of apple pancakes known to humanity. Do you ever experiment with baking and then discover that your substitution instincts were just RIGHT OUT?

Tonight's failing involved substituting sharp cheddar cheese for cottage cheese. A few years ago my old Maine-native banjo-playing cowboy boyfriend introduced me to the culinary delight of eating sharp cheddar cheese with apple pie. Fantastic combination. I somehow assumed that I could make the leap to substituting cheddar into apple pancakes. You know how cheese tastes when it burns? I created about 27 pancakes with that slightly burnt cheddar cheese (raw apple) taste. Blech. Note to self: lay off apple pancakes.

Tonight's other activity involved advancement on the I-129F visa for K. You know, I've discovered that family and friends simply do not understand why marriage makes us cringe, and each time I try to explain it to them, I wind up feeling like there is something wrong with me. Tonight we had to put together an engagement party announcement to be submitted as evidence of our impending marriage. It was enough to start us bickering at each other, because we both hate the idea.

I in particular have seen thousands of these little formulaic wedding invitations and so I know what Donald Rumsfeld and the Department of Homeland Security expect from us - K the German was disgusted. Yeah, so was I, but it seems that to present a convincing marriage to our government we have to play this ridiculous wedding game.

I can state without a problem that I want K and I to be together for the rest of our lives. I have met no man in my life who fulfills a certain set of needs that are most important to me. I would even be willing to argue that I felt magic - that some inner part of me has known that K, who can also frustrate me in many other ways, is simply the person who has touched my heart the deepest and fullest. Where I need to depend on someone, he is there and understanding me as no one has ever done in my life. This, for me, is an extremely powerful feeling to have with such certainty.

And, I am certainly ready for us to produce little tiny k's that mew and coo and grow into little personalities of their own.

But the minute that the ceremonies and preconceptions of marriage and wedding enter the picture, I have trouble finishing sentences. And the whole notion of being FORCED to marry seems to make both of us edgy and unpleasant. Why is that?

I guess it's because everyone else has their own notion of what we do and mean to each other. Everyone else is telling us HOW we have to express this union (chiffon white, maids, veils, etc.). I just cringe at the notion of being viewed as someone's wife instead of just me. I further cringe at the fact that in this country, expressing your commitment to another person AUTOMATICALLY means putting down tens of thousands of dollars for a bogus pre-arranged ceremony that I don't believe in.

Maybe it's because I've grown used to being the spinster aunt....

But mostly I think it's because I feel like outsiders are imposing their structure on MY relationship. That no one in the world has a preconceived notion about who "teranika" is, but the minute that they have the possibility to define me as "K's wife" they will forget teranika and dredge every preconceived notion of what wifey should be and should do.

As for K, he finds the need for us to go through these expensive hoops is just a bunch of bullshit. (as the person filling out the forms and having to make the party plans, I'm inclined to agree.)

I don't know where these strong opinions against marriage developed, but it does make this whole process, in which I must describe our wedding planning in excruciating detail, very painful.

(maybe I'll serve apple pancakes at the ceremony)

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