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2005-12-24 - 11:32 a.m.

pre-travel tidbits and jitters

Merry Christmas, everyone. The morning is coming to a close, and I am buried amidst things to pack. I don't like packing. I think mostly that I don't like travelling anymore. And coordinating the Christmas packing is a great pain. How do I pack all the electronics? Oy.

The cats know that something is up. Last night they raced through the flat, playing with the plastic bags that were strewn about the floor. This morning I woke with them cuddled closely against me, both purring loudly. Right now they are BOTH sitting next to the computer, taking turns walking over the keyboard, or jumping onto the floor next to me and meowing up at me. They are so cute that I hate to leave them. I just feel bad that for a week they will have no one to cuddle with. K would say, "remember they are just cats, my dear." and I would say, "yes, but they are here for me day in and day out, more than any other *person* is, and they have been my friends the longest since I've been back in NY." Yes, Mizzy. She is conversing again, and demanding some affection.

I'm also doing my usual pre-flight panic. I've gotten better about eliminating the terrifying images that flash into my head. But I still get very nervous, and have to shut my mind off in order to get into one of these metal birds..

yes, Mizzy.

Last night J decided that he had to visit me to say goodbye before 12:15am. He called at 11:30pm and said that he was on his way over. I finally extricated him from the house at 1:30am. c v (those two letters from Mizzy, who has decided to try her paws at typing again.) Anyway, he hasn't been well all week, and I haven't had the energy to handle his attacks. Thursday night I came home with four desperate messages on my answering machine from him. For my own sanity I have frequently had to just say good bye, or not pick up the phone, instead of talking him through. He is entering one of his phases where he loses all perspective, in particular he cannot judge anyone else around him. He had no idea, in spite of my protests, that I did not want him to come by. But again, I recognize that this is part of his sickness. In this case, so close to Christmas, I didn't know how to turn him away without making his illness worse. In the end, I we talked for a little over an hour and then I started gently guiding him out the door. Christmas is a hard time of year, and I do have a great affection for J. He's been a friend for a long time, and I know that he does not want to be like this. But I get frustrated from time to time, thinking that he could help himself much more if he would simply think differently, and stop dwelling on his past problems. But I am not a psychaitrist, and I have little idea about such things. This is part of why I just put the phone down sometimes. Caring means looking after one's self as well.

On a positive note, K and I talked on the phone earlier today, and he said, "just think, little t, this will be our last Christmas away from each other." Now that's something nice to think about.

And soon I will be home with my parents, enjoying a glass of wine and some cheese by the fireplace, and laughing.

Merry merry Christmas to everyone.

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