2008-03-30 - 11:18 a.m.

..the topic of childcare...

Yesterday I connected with a woman on cr@1gsl1st about childcare for little Susi. She is a university student getting a degree in psychology, looking for a summer, part-time position as a nanny in funcouver. She sounds like a very responsible, intelligent person. She writes well and clearly (and was grammatically correct). She anticipated the concerns that I might have about leaving Susi with someone. She is looking for a position two days per week, which is what I want. She seems perfect.

And so now I'm facing a rather difficult prospect.. Leaving Susi! At this point I am certain that I need to get out of the house and have time to myself. I know that I need it. My mind is racing; I find myself falling into the doldrums very easily these days; I'm both lazy and restless at the same time. And yet, the idea of being away from her is already difficult to fathom, even though it will only be a couple days per week.

But as I said, I need to get out. Yesterday, a student from my lab visited me to update me on what work had been done this semester. It was cathartic to have her here, and to plan what we will do next - together. As small as it is, I miss my group!

The positive sides of this are that we are planning for Susi to be one-on-one with someone, at least until she is eligible for daycare in the fall. Now I am rethinking the idea of a daycare center for her as well, because I am concerned about the caretaker:child ratio as well as the chance for infections for an 8-month-old baby. I imagine that much of the decision will come down to expense. I cannot afford to be a part-time professor, and I cannot afford a full-time nanny. So daycare will probably be the only option, and I will have to get used to the idea, as difficult as it is at first.

I have the following points to comfort me: (1) many children have done this before Susi, and they've turned out fine. (2) ultimately, her childcare will be up on the Mountain, and my colleagues have all reported that their children love it. (3) Susi will be up on the Mountain and so I will be a mere 15-minute walk away. I could even breastfeed if time allowed. (4) the childcare workers are professionals - they've seen this all before, and they are trained in child development. Susi will be in good hands. All good, logical, intellectually valid points to help me battle my physiological response to letting go.

And now, it's off to feed - Susi and I have another party to go to today, and since the sun is out I think we'll walk.